Daniel: You guys know Lindsay?
Nick: Yeah, you were in my English class last year. You were the chick that got an A, right?
Lindsay: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?
Ken: I don't know. What are you gonna do?
Lindsay: Are you guys going to the homecoming dance?
Ken: Excuse me?
Daniel [to Lindsay] : That's funny. It's a joke, right?
Lindsay: My dad's kinda makin' me go.
Nick: Your dad's makin' you go to the dance? What's that all about?
Ken: Who's your dad? Hitler?

  --  Pilot [1.01] - Season One
%
Neal: [to Sam] The dance is tomorrow. She's a cheerleader. You've seen "Star Wars" 27 times. You do the math.

  --  Pilot [1.01] - Season One
%
Nick: Check it out man, that's uh 14 mounted toms, 8 floor toms, 4 splashes, 2 gongs, 10 cowbells , 4 rides, 5 snares, a rototom rack, and it's all mounted on my infamous quadruple kick drum system. Six more pieces and I got a bigger set than Neil Peart from Rush, yeah.
Lindsay: That's great Nick.
Nick: Teachers want us to work, and I say, "Fine, I'll work. But you've gotta let me do the kind of work that I wanna do." And for me, it's my drum kit, man. This is my passion. This is the essence of who I am now. But before I had this, I was lost, too. You see what I'm saying? You need to find your reason for living. You've gotta find your big, gigantic drum kit.

  --  Pilot [1.01] - Season One
%
Kim: Why don't you blow your nose in some bread and make me a sandwich?

  --  Pilot [1.01] - Season One
%
Harold: I had a friend who used to smoke. Know what he's doing now? He's dead. You think smoking looks cool, let's go dig him up and see how cool he looks now.
[Later at dinner]
Harold: You know, there was a girl in our school... and she had premarital sex. Know what she did on her graduation day? Died! Of a heroin overdose!
Sam: Dad? Are any of your friends alive?
Harold: The smart ones.

  --  Pilot [1.01] - Season One
%
Lindsay: All my new friends think I'm some goody-two-shoes and all my old friends think I'm throwing my life away. What the hell am I supposed to do?

  --  Beers and Weirs [1.02] - Season One
%
Lindsay: Well, my house is so boring looking...so I just wanted to make it look more party-like.
Ken: Well I'll tell you how to make it look more party-like. Point me to the keg.
Nick: Oh yeah.
Lindsay: In the corner.
Ken: Then I am in the corner.

  --  Beers and Weirs [1.02] - Season One
%
Harold: I guess you'd prefer we listen to that punk rock music I've been reading about. You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience! Yep, that's what I wanna do. Spend my hard earned money to be spit on. Now that's entertainment...Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans.
Sam: No. But he died on the toilet.
Harold: Well, that's paradise compared to where the Sex Pistols are gonna end up.

  --  Beers and Weirs [1.02] - Season One
%
Sam: What's non-alcoholic beer?
Bill: It's beer but without that ingredient that makes you drunk.
Neal: Alcohol?
Bill: Yeah.

  --  Beers and Weirs [1.02] - Season One
%
Sam: Keg of beer, please.
Liquor Store Clerk: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Neal: Oh, we need a keg of non-alcoholic beer.
Liquor Store Clerk: No!
Sam: But we need it.
Liquor Store Clerk: What for?
Neal: We're gonna switch the kegs at his sister's party.
Liquor Store Clerk: Righteous!

  --  Beers and Weirs [1.02] - Season One
%
Bill: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Hold on, I'm gonna put the phone on my bionic ear. That's--that's better. No, don't talk so loud! Don't forget, I've got bionic hearing.

  --  Tricks and Treats [1.03] - Season One
%
Daniel: Knock it off, blondie. You're gonna blow the speakers.
Kim: Oh, I'm sorry, Grandpa. I'll try not to blow anything of yours from now on.

  --  Tricks and Treats [1.03] - Season One
%
Bill: Ma'am, I hope there aren't any peanuts in these peanuts.

  --  Tricks and Treats [1.03] - Season One
%
Harold: Last time I had this much fun, I was pinned down in a foxhole by the North Koreans.

  --  Tricks and Treats [1.03] - Season One
%
Ken: Would you quit it, you're making me sick!
Daniel: Why don't you make out with Nicky, and we'll call it a foursome?
Ken: Yeah, why don't you make out with my butt, and we'll call it love?

  --  Tricks and Treats [1.03] - Season One
%
Karen: I guess I'm just gonna have to mark this locker again. This time in geek blood.

  --  Kim Kelly is My Friend [1.04] - Season One
%
Millie: I heard about what she does in the yearbook darkroom.
Lindsay: What? She does what? I have no idea what you're talking about.
Millie: She does it.
Lindsay: What do you mean, it?
Millie: She fornicates it!

  --  Kim Kelly is My Friend [1.04] - Season One
%
Bill: I don't really like jokes. I don't think they're funny.

  --  Tests and Breasts [1.05] - Season One
%
Sam: What am I supposed to do with a porno?
Neal: You watch it. Over and over.
Sam: Ew, only perverts watch pornos, right?
Neal: Well, then every guy in America is a pervert.

  --  Tests and Breasts [1.05] - Season One
%
Harold: She's hanging with a bad crowd. She's lying and cheating and next thing you know, she's Patty Hearst with a gun to our heads.

  --  Tests and Breasts [1.05] - Season One
%
Neal: What is wrong with them? Why do they think that hitting people with towels is so funny?
Bill: If it wasn't us, it would be kind of funny.

  --  I'm With the Band [1.06] - Season One
%
Sam: Will girls ever like us?
Neal: I think our best play is to go for the smart, sexy librarian type.

  --  I'm With the Band [1.06] - Season One
%
Bill: Stop looking up my shorts.
Neal: Why would we? There's nothing to see.
Sam: Just keep climbing, Wonder Woman.
Bill: There is something to see.

  --  I'm With the Band [1.06] - Season One
%
Neal: My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.
Bill: But you're not funny.
Neal: Screw you. I'm hilarious!

  --  I'm With the Band [1.06] - Season One
%
Daniel: Rock 'n roll don't come from your brain. It comes from your crotch.

  --  I'm With the Band [1.06] - Season One
%
Jean: Nobody's home. You wanna have a little sex?
Harold: Sex?! Well, okay.

  --  Carded and Discarded [1.07] - Season One
%
Harold: You can hardly stand to be around us. When you two were kids, you used to run around naked and lay in bed with us all night. We bathed you and we cleaned your butts when you pooped and we loved it. Now, we try to pat you on the head and you run for the hills. Well, I'm fed up. We are going to be close from now on whether you like it or not. We're going to spend quality time together, and we're going to enjoy it, damn it!

  --  Carded and Discarded [1.07] - Season One
%
Daniel: I hate astrology. What, everybody born in the same month is gonna have the same life?

  --  Carded and Discarded [1.07] - Season One
%
Ken: I just want to be older so I can go to bars. Everything fun in this world happens in bars.

  --  Carded and Discarded [1.07] - Season One
%
Bill: [after Maureen changed the menu to read "Pan Fried Butts"] How are we not supposed to be in love with her?

  --  Carded and Discarded [1.07] - Season One
%
Mr. Kowchevksi: All right, kids, hurry to class. Last one to class, first one on welfare. It's your choice.

  --  Girlfriends and Boyfriends [1.08] - Season One
%
Daniel: Lindsay... I think it's really great that you and Nick are going out.
Lindsay: Yeah. Me too.
Daniel: No, I mean it. Nick's a great guy. We give him a hard time, but you know... he's the man. I just think it's really great you guys are going out. He's a really great guy.
Lindsay: Yeah, I know.
Daniel: Nick's a stud. You know? I mean, he may not seem like it, but he is.
Ms. Yeats: Mr. Desario, don't you have something to do?
Daniel: Right, but I thought we were going to do that after class, Ms. Yeats.
Ms. Yeats: Oh, be still my beating heart.
Daniel: [whispers to Lindsay] I like that dress.

  --  Girlfriends and Boyfriends [1.08] - Season One
%
Nick: Hey, man, I heard Kim got an A on her world civ test. That's great. Oh, no, that's right, that was MY girlfriend. Ohhh...
Daniel: That's really funny.
Nick: Oh, you know what though? Lindsay got detention for flipping off her gym teacher. Oh no, that's right, that was YOUR girlfriend. Oh ho ho...
Daniel: I heard Kim punched you in the chest really hard. Oh, whoops, that was me. [Daniel punches Nick.]
Nick: That was really hard.

  --  Girlfriends and Boyfriends [1.08] - Season One
%
Sam: Cindy is not abnormal.
Bill: Yeah? She cut the cheese.
Neal: Oh my God.
Sam: That's not funny.
Bill: I heard it, man, I swear. She blamed it on the chair. But she cut the cheese.
Sam: Well, some chairs make weird noises. What kind of a chair was it?
Bill: I don't know. Vinyl?
Sam: Vinyl chairs always squeak.
Bill: It wasn't a squeak. It was the sound of cheese being cut.

  --  Girlfriends and Boyfriends [1.08] - Season One
%
Nick: See, Lindsay. Nothing 'bout you and me should ever be rushed. I made that mistake before, but I'm not gonna make it with you. Cause we've got time. We've got all the time in the world. And you know why? [singing] Cause you're my lady of the morning. Love shines in your eyes. Sparkling, clear and lovely. [speaking] You're my lady. See, Lindsay. We were made for each other.
Lindsay: You wanna make out or something?
Nick: No. All guys wanna make out. But I just wanna hold you. [holds her] What's better than this?

  --  Girlfriends and Boyfriends [1.08] - Season One
%
Daniel: These jocks think they're such badasses. Like they cured cancer or something.

  --  We've Got Spirit [1.09] - Season One
%
Cindy: Remember when I told you I had a crush on Todd?
Sam: Yeah.
Cindy: Well I don't.
Sam: Really?
Cindy: It's more like an obsession.

  --  We've Got Spirit [1.09] - Season One
%
Neal: Being the school mascot has always been my dream.
Bill: Yeah. Since lunch.

  --  We've Got Spirit [1.09] - Season One
%
Ken: [hit by water balloons] That better have been water. That's all I'm sayin'.

  --  We've Got Spirit [1.09] - Season One
%
Sam: Think we could be arrested for making prank calls?
Neal: Yeah, and we'll get sent to telephone prison.

  --  The Diary [1.10] - Season One
%
Bill: Fredericks? You're a turd. A stinky fat turd. Go sniff a jock strap, you poophead. You love patting boys butts. You love patting boys butts, butt. You butt patter. You're a perv, and a loser, and a stinky turd.

  --  The Diary [1.10] - Season One
%
Neil: Smooth move, Alexander Graham Bell.

  --  The Diary [1.10] - Season One
%
Mr. Weir: We are not robots and things do not need to change. I like how things are! I like eating the same things. You know why? Because those are the things I like! I like chicken. And I like pot roast. And, that's how I feel about you Jean.
Mrs. Weir: Oh please. You like me like you like a pot roast?
Mr. Weir: I love pot roast!

  --  The Diary [1.10] - Season One
%
Mr. Weir: You think I don't appreciate you? Well, I do. Everything I do I do to serve you. I think of you when I'm stocking fishing poles. I think of you when I'm answering questions about cross country ski wax. My whole life is about serving you. And I love you, Jean.

  --  The Diary [1.10] - Season One
%
Daniel: Am I a loser?
Harris: You're not a loser because you're having sex. But if you weren't having sex, we could definitely debate the issue.

  --  Looks and Books [1.11] - Season One
%
Neal: Oh my god! I guess Elvis hasn't left the building.
Bill: It's a Parisian night suit in case you didn't know.
Gordon: A Parisian! Ooh la la!
Neal: It's not a Parisian. It's a jumpsuit. My grandfather in Florida wears them all the time because he's too lazy to put on pants.

  --  Looks and Books [1.11] - Season One
%
Kowchevski: Ladies, this is just for tomorrow's scrimmage. This isn't the last chopper out of Saigon. Can we please just crank down the drama a notch?

  --  Looks and Books [1.11] - Season One
%
Kim: Check out the pizza-face dork with the trombone! Why doesn't he just pop those things?
Daniel: I think if he did, he'd die of blood loss.

  --  The Garage Door [1.12] - Season One
%
Sam: Hey, Neal, I gotta go home. My parents are going to be worried.
Bill: Yeah, me too. My mom doesn't like to watch Dallas alone.

  --  The Garage Door [1.12] - Season One
%
Neal: I'm just going to have my coffee now.
Bill: Is that before or after you shave?

  --  The Garage Door [1.12] - Season One
%
Neal: Tell you one thing, when I get married, I'm never going to cheat on my wife. Even if she gets old and fat.
Bill: I'd be happy just to get a wife. I don't think I want the kind that's gonna get old and fat.
Sam: I don't even know how you get one girl. How does anyone get two?

  --  The Garage Door [1.12] - Season One
%
Neal: So I wake up this morning, and guess what's sitting at the foot of my bed?
Bill: A turd?
Neal: Yes Bill, a turd.
Bill: Eew!
Neal: An Atari!

  --  The Garage Door [1.12] - Season One
%
Nick: What do people do when they're not stoned?
Ken: I dunno. Relate to one another?

  --  Chokin' and Tokin' [1.13] - Season One
%
Mr. Rosso: How dumb do I look?
Ken: Do you really wanna know?

  --  Chokin' and Tokin' [1.13] - Season One
%
Millie: You're high!
Lindsay: How could you tell?
Millie: I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer.

  --  Chokin' and Tokin' [1.13] - Season One
%
Lindsay: God! We used to love Mac Davis, remember?
Millie: Yeah. You used to say you wished you had pillows stuffed with his hair.

  --  Chokin' and Tokin' [1.13] - Season One
%
Harold: OK, I'll tell you what Lindsay. I'll listen to this album and you can go to the concert if I don't find anything objectionable.
Lindsay: Thanks Dad. I'm sure it'll be fine.
Harold: Oh don't be so sure of yourself; I'll be listening to it backwards too!

  --  Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers [1.14] - Season One
%
Ken: I always say, girl plus car equals dead animal.

  --  Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers [1.14] - Season One
%
Lindsay: Are you copying Ken's homework?
Kim: Trying to. He writes like a mental patient.

  --  Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers [1.14] - Season One
%
Harold: [to Lindsay, about going to the concert] Alright, fine. Just keep those boys away from your accordion.

  --  Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers [1.14] - Season One
%
Neal: He's a gym teacher. There's no upward mobility.

  --  Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers [1.14] - Season One
%
Mr. Kowchevski: Why don't you go pick on someone your own size. There's a bus in the parking lot.

  --  Noshing and Moshing [1.15] - Season One
%
Jenna Zank: You know what punkers don't do? Call themselves punkers.

  --  Noshing and Moshing [1.15] - Season One
%
Harold: By the way, that drummer you're listening to...
Nick: Yeah?
Harold: He's terrible!
Nick: What? That's Neil Peart, he's the greatest drummer alive!
Harold: Well, Neil Peart couldn't drum his way out of a paper bag.

  --  Smooching and Mooching [1.16] - Season One
%
Neal: Everyone looks cool in turtle necks. That's the point! We can't both wear them; we'll look like the Smothers Brothers!

  --  Smooching and Mooching [1.16] - Season One
%
Nick: Wow, that dinner smells good. Let me guess, meat?

  --  Smooching and Mooching [1.16] - Season One
%
Sam: It's Cindy. She's kind of boring. It's weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she wants to do is make out and stuff.
Neal: I'd kill to be that bored.

  --  The Little Things [1.17] - Season One
%
Harold: Everyone's a Democrat until they get a little money. Then they come to their senses!

  --  The Little Things [1.17] - Season One
%
Daniel: All right, fine, I'll be a dwarf, but my name is Carlos.
Bill: Carlos the dwarf?
Daniel: Yeah, you got a problem with that, Gorthon?

  --  Discos and Dragons [1.18] - Season One
%
DJ: Aren't you one of those guys who's always running in here yelling "Disco sucks?" What's the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious "rock 'n' roll" teaches you?
Ken: No, it teaches me that disco sucks!!

  --  Discos and Dragons [1.18] - Season One
%
Harold: You're not lying, are you, Sam?
Sam: No.
Harold: 'Cause you know what happens to liars in this world, don't you?
Sam: They end up getting killed in jail.
Harold: Right.

  --  Discos and Dragons [1.18] - Season One
%
Lindsay: I don't know. Rosso's okay. And why would you want to ruin a mailbox?
Ken: I don't know. We gotta blow up something.

  --  Discos and Dragons [1.18] - Season One
%
Daniel: Greetings princess. It is I, Carlos the Dwarf. The dragon has been slain and you are free to rule your kingdom.

  --  Discos and Dragons [1.18] - Season One
%
